who dunnit?

who dunnit?

dog detective

is tammy’s muse wounded?  lost?  kidnapped?  DEAD?


we do not know.

but we will get to the bottom of this.


peanut readers have been MORE than patient.

it’s time to put some super sleuth on the job!

many of them are out of work now.  and could probably use the money.


in the meantime

the marine has invited me to go with him back to colorado just when the

aspens have turned in all their golden splendor.


we will go in the next 2 weeks or so.

he will be driving.  so your worries for me will be relieved.

i haven’t driven off a mountain in a long time.



so my unblemished record will be intact.

and i will be safe.


with my marine.


and it’s not a back packing trip like he makes.  though that would be nice.


we will visit the town where we once lived as children  .  .  .

canon city

in a beautiful valley at the mouth of the royal gorge.


canon city skyline


canon with clouds

 we’ll see canon and our house there and all the many places

we used to visit in the summers thereafter  .  .  .

like this view of the  royal gorge just a few minutes away from canon.


royal gorge skydive

all those wonderful summers so long ago!

the summers when we weren’t in upstate new york that is.

it’s my favorite.

maybe some year i can get him to go back there too!


this trip will make a lovely end to a rather horrible summer.


horrible not only for me  .  .  .

but also for some people i deeply care about.

and for their animals.

animals who are and were far more than animals .  .  .

a feeling that is totally understood by anyone who has ever given their heart to

one of these precious fur people.


and once again i have allowed the world to be too much with me.


the latest news and images from the bombing of aleppo has been very much

with me during the past week.


little brothers


dust from the bomb obscuring his little glasses.


their brother

and  .  .  .

you don’t know it .  .  .  but that small boy in the orange shirt

covered with grey bomb dust-cement

looks just like my jacob.

it’s incredible really.  so much so  .  .  .

that he could BE jacob.


when i saw the video on CNN news i couldn’t believe it.

perhaps that’s why it haunts me so.

i sobbed and sobbed when i saw that video.

they have just found out that their brother was killed in the bomb.

they are simply trying to comfort one another.


to think there are little children who will never have a childhood.

who have known NOTHING BUT WAR their entire lives now.

with no end in sight.  no place to play that is safe and not obliterated.

no childhood.  think of it.  cheated out of a magical time that only happens



watching the factors play out in syria is not unlike what the buildup of

the nazi regime must have been like before world war two.


while the rest of the world



and reducing the suffering of little children to the word ‘factor’ is deplorable

in itself.

i think that’s why the news reporters wanted us to see these children.

when does it become personal to us?

when does it start to feel like OUR child?  our grandchild?


i find it hard to be joyfully living in the face of such cruelty and carnage.


and we are all responsible.

regardless of whose side we’re on.

what country we live in.

what our political leanings are.


when innocent children die

it’s our fault.  we’re the adults.


we who are entangled in the greed of oil.  and the hunger for power.

and the inability to find a way.

we who are the adults of the world.  who cannot or will not live in peace.

who elected officials and keep electing them

who made and make bad decisions in our name.

who start wars and continue wars.


others now pay the price.  the littlest ones are paying the price once again.


innocents who only want to play and go to school and have a home to safely

return to at the end of the day.

just like our own children and grandchildren.


i have no answers to this mess.  but somehow there has to be one.

there just has to be.  before it’s too late for these little ones.


and i feel rather like a hypocrite.

for i am about to go on a short trip using gas that is otherwise not even


oil.  oil.  oil.

i who normally only drive back and forth to the grocery store.


i guess i need this trip.  as you can see.

perhaps that’s why my marine suggested it.


i can get very dark lately.   very quickly.

normally not like me.  and he knows that.



the muse may be found in my beautiful mountains of colorado   .  .  .

amid the whispering leaves of the golden aspen.


golden aspens


aspens close


perhaps i will find my very own cottonwood tree that i used to sit inside

when i was just a little girl!


i hope to retrace my steps to washington elementary school in canon city.

to see once again if i can remember how to get there!


storm and aspens


to visit salida and see the road carved out of the side of the mountain

that the stage coach traveled on.

people pay amusement parks now to have a ride like that.


to let my mind that sees only suffering little children rest from it .  .  .

and longing for the day they could rest from it too.


the captain reminded me it has been a long time since i’ve posted and to let

people know the lady of the peanut is okay.


and i AM okay!  in body if not in spirit.

and given my past health record i suppose that is a timely request.


and now one last  “and”  .  .  .


who knows?


perhaps the muse will miraculously reappear while i’m gone!

one can only hope.


til soon old bean.

til soon.





  1. I was raised Catholic, so (according to the Baltimore Catechism) of course we’re all guilty. We were born with original sin. All we can do is keep going to confession and do the penance. (One Our Father and ten Hail Marys?)

    Do your penance before or after your trip! I’m so glad the marine is taking you. Please enjoy the scenery and take a break from the news.

  2. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the spectacular good of our planet to balance out the sadness we feel in our soul. I always ask why. Why have humans not learned anything over the centuries? We always have war over religion, beliefs or territory. We fight, maim or kill in the name of our justice. And people die and are misplaced and suffer. And it goes on and on. Why? Then I am thankful I was fortunate to live here where the long reaching arm of terrorism doesn’t make us afraid to walk in the neighborhood. But it is getting closer. I depend on the good to triumph over evil. See, I also feel the dread. Please take your trip to those stunning mountains and valleys. Gaze upon the good here on earth. Restore your soul. When you return you will have pleasant things to talk about. You will once again share your warmth and positivity across your blog. Have fun. Replace sadness with joy.

    • tammy j

      thank you peggy.
      i seldom allow myself to feel like this.
      this time i’m having more trouble coming out of it.
      i will do as you say. it’s wise advice from both you and monk.

  3. Becky

    I was born into original sin, too, not as a Catholic but as a Lutheran. However, we are SAVED BY GOD’S GRACE, not by the works that we do. Gratitude for this grace makes me want to return the gift by doing good in the service of others, not ourselves.
    There’s nothing more frustrating than to be without the power to do MORE!!!!

  4. It sounds as if you’re focusing a lot on things you have no control over. Where in your life can you make a positive impact? It’s the old “Circle of Concern/Circle of Influence” topic: http://uthscsa.edu/gme/documents/Circles.pdf

    One of my mantras is, “The quality of our lives depends on how we focus our energy and our attention.” Yay, Stephen Covey for the elaboration!

    • tammy j

      I will follow the link monk. thank you.
      I just got word that Vicki who lives in Australia has to put to sleep her beloved dog Jack
      in a few minutes.
      She and I are so close. I’m thinking I have felt this heaviness. and that has been the darkness I feel.
      they have been together so long. it’s the hardest of hard.

  5. These images are both beautiful and sad. Such a strange world we live in. But then again, it’s not the world which is strange, which is only a big ball of magnesium and other minerals, but the fanatics that live and breath on it. I suppose as humans we are destined to always live with strife. As long as greed, evil and yes, mental illness exists, we will never be at peace.

    Your childhood home looks beautiful, and I’m so happy the marine convinced you to take this much needed trip.

    I am wondering…who is Jacob?

    • tammy j

      Jacob is the marine’s grandson. he has two. Blake and Jacob.
      they spent a lot of the summer here in Oklahoma. they live in Georgia where the marine’s son Mike is stationed.

  6. Linda Sand

    I stopped reading/watching the news when a local politician said so many blacks wouldn’t get killed if they didn’t go to risky places. So we reminded him of the 12 year old girl who was killed while sitting at her dining room table doing homework when a bullet aimed at someone else came though her window. Yes, people kill people. But they couldn’t do so as easily if they didn’t have guns!

  7. I hope you have a wonderful time – I was getting worried about you. What a beautiful place to go to when surrounded with dark feelings. Such light and beauty there. Everywhere the world invites us to grieve but everywhere the grieving is, is God saying Look here and look there – by choosing peace it ripples across the universe and in some way aids everybody and lifts up mankind a little more. All this darkness is being uncovered to see the light of day and be healed. Many many prayers for the families involved – may they have peace and comfort in knowing the world cares and loves them. There is so many more of us who love peace and care for other than there is those that live in fear and believe that taking a life makes them safer.

  8. If you are visiting places that you have lived in but have not seen for many years, you will be in for some big surprises. Time has not stood still and whenever I go to such places, I am always amazed at the changes that ‘progress’ has brought about. In India, the increase in population and traffic is also a major contributor to this sense of regret that the changes have brought about.

    Shall send you a picture about human beings to share with you what I think of human beings.

    • tammy j

      you are right I know rummy. and I don’t mind change.
      it will be enough to see the mountains and the golden trees. they stay.

  9. My dear friend Tammy, I hope if you are reading this, you know that you are loved and thought about by so many like me. I also know how you’re feeling. I am a “news junkie” and find myself getting so wrapped up in the world events, that I also feel as you do. I hope the break reminds you of the beauty in the world, and all the good that I KNOW, and WE KNOW is there. Enjoy yourself, spoil yourself, recharge those inner batteries, and make new beautiful memories!! You are loved. Don’t ever forget or doubt that, and I have truly come to value our cyber-friendship!

    • tammy j

      thank you so much. I seldom allow myself the luxury of negative thinking.
      but much lately has seemed to take its toll.
      thank goodness for my marine.
      and I will do just as you wisely suggest.

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