which is better old bean?
i was a very imaginative child.
books were my friends. and i could lose myself in them. i still can. and do!
they provided me a rich inner life. i grew adept very early on in making things
how I WANTED THEM TO BE in my head instead of how they really were.
as you know. we moved every year. sometimes if a promotion was forthcoming
we even moved twice in one year.
i think because of that i learned to have that very rich inner life.
it helped sustain me when there wasn’t time enough to make a real friend.
and when once again i was getting used to a whole new environment
sometimes better than the last place . . . sometimes worse . . .
yes. it truly was often a lifeline for me.
and that habit of SEEING places in my mind in a way that they might truly not
be . . .
well. it simply stuck! and carried on through my adulthood.
it served as a survival mode for a child i think.
i’ve done it for so long i hadn’t even realized the fact of it until lately.
i love beauty so much that if its not there i MAKE it there in my head!
i never looked upon it as being unhealthy.
it was just what a little girl learned to do.
and that little girl in me is still doing it.
yes. after all these years. kind of odd now.
and rather sad i think at my age.
i’m thinking that now in this stage of my life perhaps it’s time to stop all that
and to look at and happily accept the reality of everything!
reality is a good thing. i imagine it’s highly under rated.
i learned early on to make the best of things. you just didn’t complain.
you were expected to accept whatever and get on with life.
you didn’t complain. and that was that.
and the older i get it seems that all i do is complain about the climate here.
i am going to stop that for sure.
stop quoting the high summer temperatures and heat index and humidity.
it is what it is. and even at that . . . it’s not as hot as say . . . arizona!
and for pete’s sake. it’s time to admit . . . i’m lucky to simply be alive!
especially given the last couple of months and the silly dehydration that nearly
cost me my life.
you all know that the very next day i was home from the hospital . . . the marine
kindly drove me around to look at apartments here in town.
i was so weak i could barely stand much less walk endlessly looking at every
complex there is.
so i decided on the third or fourth one we looked at.
and i booked this apartment that very day.
i’ve gone on to some of you about how beautiful it is here. and how much
i like it. as if in convincing you i’d be convincing myself i guess!
and some of this complex truly IS beautiful . . . in a way.
some would say it looks a lot like military housing on base! and that’s true.
but then i’m used to that look and to me it’s not so bad.
here’s a picture of the prettier part of the complex.
the pool in my area looks like this one. and there is a lovely huge crepe myrtle
tree that shades one end of it in the morning.
but THIS is truly what my own place looks like. still in the complex. but in
another part of it. yup. military style for sure.
as a matter of fact . . .
see that apartment upstairs in the upper right hand corner?
with the little balcony?
that’s actually MY apartment. i was amazed to find it on their site.
it’s an old picture.
the curving walk goes down to the pool.
the two windows showing are in my nicely large bedroom. so it gets light.
and a nice cross breeze when it will be cool enough to open them!
the rest of the apartment is very dark. even with two french doors that open
onto the balcony. it’s still dark.
i’m trying to get used to that. and i eventually will.
i’m a lover of light.
they don’t go in for much landscaping here. it’s all green lawns. easy to keep.
some crepe myrtle trees and some other very tall trees in other areas here and
when i walk in the mornings i’ve been imagining i’m walking in a place like this
and it makes me feel cooler.
but is it all that healthy to think that way? i realize i’ve done it all my life!
when does ‘making the best of it’ end . . . and living a lie in your head begin?
i am guilty of always thinking things or places are better than they are.
perhaps that’s why i need so little in the way of material possessions.
i have a totally rich imagination! LOL!
a great teacher once said . . .
i fully believe that. in every facet of our lives.
but it’s also important to find a certain contentment in THINGS AS THEY ARE.
i’ve always thought of myself as a person who’s fully content.
now i’m beginning to question that about myself.
i’m beginning to realize there is a certain PEACE in simply fully accepting
everything about your life.
at least on the level that i’m talking about here in this post!
i’m not talking about people here. only places.
and . . . actually i realize now that i have often done it with people too.
i married the most wonderful man. our happiness was real. not imagined.
i imagined his mother would eventually accept me and like me. NOPE.
never happened. 17 years of misery with her. so sad and unnecessary really.
i imagined he would survive the cancer. NOPE. but OH how i imagined!
so. i’m beginning to see the importance in life. of relaxing and accepting.
accepting the real beauty as well as the beauty that just ISN’T there
and very well probably never will be.
unless i move somewhere else . . . to a different part of the country.
which i won’t be doing.
i would simply miss my marine too much.
i have also found that i vicariously live through so many of your beautiful
pictures on your blogs.
i’ve even joked about it often in some of my comments to you!
not realizing it was somehow more than a joke.
the gardens. the food. the large family get togethers. the gorgeous rooms.
the vistas. the comfortable temperatures.
well. except for some of your winters that go on and on and on!
kind of like our summers!!! LOLOL!
i honestly don’t mind not living like that anymore. i did once upon a time.
although never with the big family occasions. our family was small.
but oh the wonderful memories!
when i realized this vicarious thing might not be just a joke i was making . . .
and that i was wishing things were different . . .
that’s when i realized i was in a danger zone.
i am through with imagining my own life now is like anything that it truly isn’t.
good grief. what a sentence. but you know what i mean.
it will just be a habit that i will have to work on.
it got me through some rough times i guess. but it’s time for a sea change.
i don’t feel bad about it.
it’s just finally time to grow up!
and it’s time to realize that i can see it ALL as beautiful without imagining it
in a different way.
i’m not explaining any of this very well i’m afraid.
and it’s not that i’m not happy. i have always been able to make my own
happiness anywhere i am.
it’s simply going to be a different way of SEEING things now!
the REAL WAY!
AND . . .
i’m mainly just thinking out loud. which i so often do here!
and you’re so kind to always indulge me in that. thank you.
you don’t even have to comment.
have you ever noticed that when you write something down . . .
it just sinks in better? at least it does for me. thus this post.
i hope this doesn’t sound like a poor pitiful pearl story.
because that IS NOT it at all!
i’m going to mainly concentrate on getting my health back.
and to happily live in this little apartment and love it as my home.
i will still visit all your wonderful blogs and admire your lives.
but that’s where it will end. no more living vicariously through them! LOLOL!
and you never even knew it did you? 😀
life is so precious. and with each passing year it grows even more so.
it’s simply ENOUGH to just be alive!!!
who cares there is no shade? or very little of it.
there is a little covered and sometimes shaded balcony to sit on whenever it
IF it rains straight down that is! LOL!
THAT in itself is something to celebrate!
and they do keep the lawns really nice.
better even than in that old picture i found.
it’s edged and clean. people are very careful and there is no trash anywhere.
i’m so thankful for that!
so. all is a good reality.
and the TRULY good thing about it . . . i can always go sit on the deck at the
marine’s beautiful home and watch the birds and squirrels and soak up
the cool shade from his own huge trees! another lovely reality.
i wish for you the beauty and acceptance of your own true reality in this life.
it’s a lesson i’m late in learning. but i think it’s an important one.
til soon old bean