a discovery old bean
in the wee small hours
i often awake now in the wee small hours of the morning.
this morning it was 2:30.
i try not to start thinking. you know? because that’s a sure way to not get back to sleep!
but this morning my mind had a mind of its own old bean.
it was the day of my 34th birthday.
he is lying on the cream colored sofa in our living room.
this has been his bed for the last six weeks.
i sleep in a chair pulled as close to the edge of the sofa as possible. just to be near him.
right now i’m sitting on the floor. my face is inches from his beautiful face.
even the chemo could not take his hair. and he has had much chemo.
he is thin. but he is still the handsome boy i married almost 16 years ago.
today is my birthday.
he says “i didn’t get you anything for your birthday. not even a card.”
“you are all i want for my birthday. and this.”
i kiss him on the mouth.
his mouth that is so clean and smooth. the mouth that seldom smiles now.
he kisses me back. i kiss him again and again.
no passion in these kisses. passion is long since spent.
passion takes energy. and his energy now is used simply to keep breathing.
but these are the sweetest kisses in the whole world.
he whispers “happy birthday my girl.”
i do not cry.
4 weeks later he is gone.
i’m not even crying now as i write this. my tears are spent long ago.
my memory this morning . . .
i was THERE. right there with him again.
the only reason i’m bringing this up old bean . . .
not to elicit sympathy. the days for sympathy are long gone.
i’ve been without him now longer than i ever had him.
the reason i bring this up is . . .
as i was lying in my bed in those wee small hours of this morning . . .
re~living in my mind . . .
that absolutely beautiful birthday with the dry kisses as my present . . .
i literally felt inside
that i am still brand new 34 years old!
and it dawned on me . . .
we never really grow old.
am i so late in the game at discovering this??? LOLOL
i’m sure many or even all of you have learned this secret without me!
but it’s true. we do not age on the inside.
i hope to grow wiser inside. of course.
but my feelings.
my sense of self . . .
it’s the most amazing thing. i’m not old! i’m exactly whatever age i want to be.
whatever age i feel! i’ve said it. you’ve said it. we’ve all heard it til the cows come home.
“you’re only as old as you feel.”
i always thought they meant how you physically feel i guess!
“age is a state of mind.”
there’s another one! and i thought it meant you need to simply ‘think’ young.
it’s not about thinking.
it’s about feeling.
our outside becomes more and more fragile. we can’t physically do what we used to do maybe.
the inside is bursting with health! and vitality. and the same emotion we felt at any given age.
i can even still feel like i’m jacob’s age! and OH! that was a VERY GOOD AGE for me!
10 years old!!! i can feel it as if it’s right here TODAY! as a matter of fact i usually do. LOLOL.
that’s all i have to say this morning.
dry kisses and time.
what more can a person ask from this life?
to know that kind of love once. and to be able to feel its presence inside your heart
at any given time in your life.
you gave me one of my best birthday presents ever my darling bob.
til soon old bean.