WARNING ! ! ! THIS POST IS RIDICULOUSLY TOO LONG.
TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF CENTERED PIGS ! ! ! i mean people.
Yup. this is moi . . . as miss piggy would say.
and it seems as though miss piggy and i have a lot in common. LOL.
except she has WAY more hair than i do.
this is a photo about 6 years ago.
lol ! no not the one above.
the one below.
notice. i’m not going to spring a totally current one on you just yet.
PLEASE! i have to retain some illusion after all.
i don’t want to cause any heart attacks. or scare any small children.
you don’t deserve that.
it’s lunch time for pete’s sake. get that camera OUT of my face ! ! !
i hate people that stand there with the camera til you finally raise your head.
and i only have just so long to eat my lunch! oh well.
this was at tourism. and it was mostly good times.
i had GREAT co-workers! i did.
one of them comments on this little peanut. i love her very much.
and . . . for pete’s sake. there’s that LINT again. i swear.
i thought the picture and the glass were clean!
must be in the paper. when it’s blown up
you see EVERY tiny fleck of dust or flaw in the paper. or whatever.
i know! think of it as snowflakes falling. in the kitchen! at tourism!
we have a very unusual state! LOL!
here we are. just a very few of us.
at one point i had eight people in my “crew” and i loved every one of them.
it made being their manager the best job in the world for me.
they were all good workers. and i worked right there with them.
we were a team.
every now and then there would come a sour apple into the group.
but they soon weeded themselves out.
probably couldn’t take all that sickening camaraderie! LOL.
my motto was . . . it should be fun. if you’re not enjoying your job.
you won’t be doing a good job. simple.
the job is stressful enough. you don’t have to add angst of the workplace
and a big part of it all . . . we genuinely liked each other.
hmmm. i see my hair was still dark then. but notice. i’m on the road to
sitting with a headset for 8 to 10 hours a day will do it every time!
but oh did we have fun!
i think you can tell.
i really loved those people.
and i still keep in close touch with three of them.
they’re still my kids.
but we will go back even further than tourism.
because it’s like i’ve lived at least four different lifetimes.
is it that way with everybody? any of you out there?
i expect it is.
you’re a little child. childhood.
then you’re the ‘teenager.’
then you either marry or have a career or both.
the career years.
then if you’re lucky . . . you grow old with the one of your dreams.
and there are grandchildren to go with the wonderful children.
and then the retirement years.
mine got all screwed around. mixed up.
unforeseen happenstances and stuff.
i married so young. to a perfect soul mate. he checked out early.
it’s like there was a piece of the puzzle of me suddenly missing.
two years after bob died . . .
i had been working at the university . . . then i met a man.
i dearly loved his family. but he. he turned out to be an ‘abuser.’
i was a lamb. truly. i had no experience with men who were not bob.
i thought he was a nice man. it turned out that he wasn’t.
he never “hit” me. he would grab my wrist or arm like a vice.
the worst abuse was verbal and psychological.
i hear about abuse stories now and i sometimes think . . .
“why on earth would you let someone treat you that way?” “get out!”
but it’s not always that easy. by the time you recognize it for what it
really is . . . your self worth is GONE. you don’t even know who you are.
i quit eating. i was told later that it’s a way of ‘disappearing.’
i weighed 89 pounds when i collapsed.
i collasped two years to the very day that bob had died.
july 10, 1981. i didn’t realize it until later.
my marine didn’t live here then. he had moved to another city to
complete his degree. he was working two jobs and going to school and
raising a family. besides. i was ashamed. i wasn’t about to tell him the
shape i was in.
it’s not the way jim reed’s daugther would handle life.
they kept me in the hospital until i weighed 98 pounds.
i came out with no job . . . no apartment.
i’d been living with the abuser. now i needed to hide from him.
i was an educated young woman. i’d had a good and happy childhood.
i’d been married to a man who adored me.
now i had very little savings . . . no job . . . a hospital bill . . . and
no place to live.
it’s that easy.
it can happen.
i was past embarrassed. i was ashamed.
i went to the dept of human services to see if i could get some kind of
temporary help. just long enough to get on my feet. i’m quick.
i was asked if i had an illegitimate child. “NO!”
“then. i’m sorry but we can’t help you.”
that just gave me more resolve to help myself. it was alright.
i started sleeping in my car in the parking lot of the apartment complex
where i had lived the year before meeting the abuser.
on weekends . . . i would walk around the mall and then . . .
i would stay at the city library until dark . . . then go to my parking lot
in the apartment complex. it was a system. it was okay.
and so far . . . it was safe.
at least my car was paid for and could be locked.
every single weekday i looked for a job. i showered at a friend’s house.
she had 4 kids. staying with her was not an option. they were too crowded
as it was and i was in no shape really . . . physically or mentally for the
noise and chaos at her house. she was so kind to let me use her shower.
i soon found a job. a good job. but you had to work a full month before
i didn’t have enough money for an apartment deposit and food too
plus the last month’s rent they asked for along with the deposit.
not for another month . . . not until i was paid. then i’d be okay.
the job was as a receptionist at the lincoln plaza hotel and conference
at the time it was the largest conference center in the southwest.
now of course . . . the property is gone. that was years and years ago.
it feels like in another lifetime.
i worked with some of the dearest people i’ve ever known.
they were good and kind.
i went from receptionist to assistant catering manager within 5 years.
we sidelined as evening talent. oh my! that sounds bad! NO!! LOL.
NOT that kind of talent. LOL. but there was a circular showroom
called the stars room. with a motorized moving stage and top notch
lighting system. it was ahead of its time.
many real music stars of the day performed there.
but when it wasn’t booked . . .
the huge conference and hotel’s marketing division put on grand shows.
our director was from new york.
we rehearsed and did them regularly. live music and costumes.
we were showgirls! LOL. and once i was even a giant pink rabbit.
and once i was a saloon girl on a ‘showboat’. it was so much fun!
and i needed some fun in my life.
it had been first heavy grief and then abuse.
things had been sad for a long time it seemed.
and i was still young. there had to be more than that.
here are some pictures of those wild and wooly years at lincoln plaza . . .
rita and tammy and katie (our boss)
tammy ~ rita ~ gloria ~ pat ~ katie
tammy ~ patti ~ susan
before the show. patti “get your head dress on!”
she hated the head dresses. said they were heavy. they were!
patti ~ susan ~ pat ~ tammy
goofin’ off back stage. patti was a clown.
lordy what a load of eye makeup.
but it had to be seen from the stage.
what would my little 7th day adventist gramma say???
i don’t even want to think about it!
nope. not what you think. just a very good friend.
it took me a long long long while to trust any man again.
backstage ready to go on. we at least had a great live orchestra.
but . . . really . . .
we were just some fun lovin’ little ole’ homespun okie style vegas girls.
the REAL ones . . . the . . . TALL . . . FOR REAL . . . vegas show girls . . .
they’re just rolling their eyes . . . laughing at us! but that’s okay.
we laughed too. LOL! it was all just good clean fun. what a job!
secretly? my favorite performance!!!
. . . now this is more my speed! lol !!
finally! a dinner break. and no carrot raisin salad. i ate it already!
and. no. that it NOT my ashtray. i have never smoked in my life.
the security guard tapped on my car window.
i nearly had a heart attack. as a matter of fact it might have been my
i explained my situation and said i wouldn’t be paid til the end of the
month but that i had a good job at lincoln plaza conference center.
i’d been sleeping in his parking lot for weeks now.
he couldn’t believe it. he hadn’t seen me before this evening.
he was an off duty police officer that moonlighted as security for
the complex. it was a big complex. maybe that’s how i went
he was very kind. he went with me to visit with the apartment manager.
i had left my apartment spotless when i’d moved from there and i was on
good terms with the older lady who was the manager.
i remember her name was natalie.
and now . . . natalie agreed to allow me to stay in a studio apartment
until i received my first paycheck.
and . . . that is my sordid little tale of being homeless for weeks on end . . .
that had a happy ending.
probably today it is a much, much scarier proposition.
i think the world is more wicked and cruel perhaps.
i have always been blessed by the kindness of strangers it seems.
lol. ‘streetcar named desire’ remember?
but in my case it’s really true. and i am grateful.
ages later (and i mean ages) rita and katie and i met for lunch.
i’m the old gray haired lady in the middle. the other two aged very well!!!
or rather . . . judging from their picture . . . they didn’t age at all !
katie ~ mrs santa claus herself ~ rita
after bob died i just quit cutting my hair.
in some cultures women even shave their heads when they’re in mourning.
i didn’t let it grow for any reason other than i just didn’t want to mess
with all that. it wasn’t high on my list of priorities. it was just THERE.
but i had very very thick and curly wavy hair. back then. ha!
and i soon began walking around looking like a wanna-be
country western singer!
the tiger and i after playing soccar in one of oklahoma’s 100 degree
days. HOT. he’s the ONLY one i would play soccar with
in that kind of HEAT!
this is my best guy.
these were our army navy surplus days.
great scot . . . those BANGS of mine. LOL!
but . . . the main thing is . . . i’m finally back on my feet after the abuser.
life is good once again.
and then . . .
years later . . .
tourism and 20 years of fun and stress and a few heart attacks and
three surgeries later . . . and . . .
we’re up to now.
a little old lady with a lifetime of memories that you are kind enough
to seem to want to share.
you left a long time ago? LOLOLOLOL!!!!
well. i’ve enjoyed myself. because they were great memories.
even the old abuser.
he taught me a valuable lesson.
never give your soul to anyone else.
it is too dear. it is too fragile. it is too sacred. it is you.
here’s a picture of this old lady from last april. she wasn’t in the best
of health. she’s better now. god knows she at least has more hair now.
yes. she’s better. and i hope she looks it.
actually i know she does. even blurry in the bathroom pictures of
the ‘welcome to wee blink bonnie’ post just last week . . .
she looks healthier than she does here.
she doesn’t look so fragile somehow. at least i hope so . . .
because this picture is just pretty pitiful! LOL.
the me that looks pretty much like old bob newhart here.
i don’t mind.
i like bob newhart. he’s a nice man.
i do have a little bit more hair in that picture than he does. but . . .
my hair’s even greyer than his!
and you know . . . i do see similarities. i really do!
i let vanity go a LONG time ago. some of us have to.
you are many many people before your life is over.
the trick to happiness i think . . . real happiness . . . is simply
accepting yourself in whatever stage you’re in at the time.
it’s just so wonderful to be alive.
i wear no make up. i could i guess. but i just don’t want to!
i think i’m done with that.
but . . . i have started to notice something interesting.
i do disappear in a crowd. i tend to be invisible most of the
time. have you ever stood as a single old woman waiting to be
“seated” at a restaurant? HELLO ! i’m HERE !
it’s like they don’t even see you.
and just try to get more coffee or water. i dare you.
LOL. ya just might as well laugh.
it is odd though . . .
when i eat out with the marine they fall all over themselves giving
us GREAT service. i even get more water without asking!
the marine took that picture of me. on my patio this past april.
it was early spring . . . and yet it was one of those days
when the morning started out nice and cool.
but then suddenly it got HOT. dear old oklahoma.
thank goodness for shade. i needed to put on a cooler top!
in three years ~ if the hypertension doesn’t do me in ~
i will be 70 years old. it staggers my imagination!
because. HECK. i still feel like i’m at least 32.
that was a good year.
and some days . . . like the side bar ‘about me’ says . . .
i’m still 7 years old. that’s the really deep inside me.
ah my. so many little me’s lurking around in there.
i’m just so grateful you stick around to visit any of the me’s!
standing there. looking like mrs santa claus in her blue sweater.
she has a round face too.
round FACE tammy? ahem. more like a round TUMMY. LOL!
well. all i can say is. mrs. claus is well respected and loved.
even like bob newhart.
and her husband mr claus has a wonderful job.
thank goodness we both like beards.
i said LIKE beards. we don’t have them.
thank god . . . i have been spared the facial hair thing of older women.
i don’t know why. but my face remains just as smooth and bare
as a little baby’s bottom! well . . .
i needed a break here people . . . in some way. . . for petes sake !
and i guess the universe just took pity on me in that one way.
thank you universe !
ever wonder where your lips go when you get old?
they just disappear. seriously! they do.
i suppose you eventually will turn into one of those drawings like
little children make . . .
you know. with just a line where your mouth is.
i have all my teeth but no more lips. LOLOL ! ! !
it will be interesting to see what happens to angelina jolie’s lips.
i mean since hers are so nice and big and puffy to start with.
kinda like stacking the deck for the future.
oh phooey. i clean forgot.
i won’t be around then to find out! darn.
well. you younger peanut followers will have to notice for me.
and oh . . .
for any of you other olders out there who might be fighting
the thinner hair thing . . . i just thought it must be part of getting older.
but in my case i was wrong.
and . . . you never know . . .
here might be a clue for you too . . .
because mine is finally changing back towards normal.
it is already much thicker than in that picture.
it turned out . . .
the culprit was low thyroid.
it was so low that it was OFF the chart!
i had been taking a really mild dose for a long time. but . . .
he doubled what i’d been taking and i’m seeing the difference.
my hair has thickened and i have eyebrows again! yayyyy ! and . . .
hallelujah! that was pretty weird right there.
who knew what that little thyroid thing in your neck affected!
it’s really rather amazing. he’s going to keep a close watch on it.
i knew something had to be wrong!
good grief. i used to have to always have my hair THINNED
when i got a hair cut. ha! course i was much younger then too.
i’ve been cutting it myself for years and years now.
many minimalists do. it’s so much cheaper.
and actually quite easy. if you don’t worry too much how it looks.
age is such a wonderful thing!
the doc also said upping the dose may also help with the extra weight.
so take THAT dear mr bob newhart.
maybe we won’t be no look-alikes . . . NO MORE.
the marine of course tells me that there is only ONE magic pill for
it’s called . . .
ya gotta love him.
and i do.
i don’t know when this post turned into a novel.
two chapters ago probably.